Then there was

I have seen this life
From the inside out
Lived in torment
In love
In fear and in doubt
There are shadows here
They stay silent
Surrounding me
They lie beneath my skin
Peep through my window
Sit still beside my bed

My ears ring
Eyes heavy and blurred
I once walked with purpose
I walked tall
Head high
Now...
What others see
As their unfortunate eyes fall upon me
A woman unknown
Limping
No light to be found
I am simply absurd

I stand in this blackened living room
Wood floor cold beneath my bare white feet
I walk silently to the door
Once opened the cold air steals my heat
Sitting on this porch
I dream of more

I want to walk on the beach
Hear my children laugh
Waves crashing around us
I want the wind to tangle my hair
As if it were from a lovely affair
The course sand between my toes
Salt water in the air
I want to watch the tide
Form a closer shore
Wait for it to reach me
Sink in some more

I have become the unknown
Even to myself
These days of mine thrown
To sleep
To darkness
So little else
I can sip this coffee
Knees to my chest
Still on this porch
Yet I can feel that ocean
Hear it's roar
I wish to sink into it's waves
Plunge

Never come up
Only find the blue wetness
Seeping in through every pore
Sleep swiftly

Never to let this confusion
Loneliness
Solitude
Nausea
Pain
So, so much pain
Keep me from floating
Sinking
With the same grace
I once walked with
I once

I will smile...

Is today just one more day? A Mother's Day filled with the beauty of my two children laughing, the sounds of their voices, looking upon them with great love and amazement. A call from the love of my life. The father of the baby who died within my belly. A call in the afternoon. One filled with his own doubt. A call. All of the things that this day holds... all of the magnificence and here I am. I have found sorrow within it. I found sorrow within this day. I found loneliness within filled walls. Silence within sounds through a speaker on my phone. I found myself lost within this world. So today.... Just one more day. Another day. A pit in my stomach. A hole in my heart. The understanding that I will never be important to one of my most important souls..... Another understanding that I am tearing at my seems.... that I am broken.... I am falling apart.

When does one woman see... when do I see? That this reflection staring back at me is not lost, torn, afflicted. When do I find that all I believe.... the love I have thought to exist.... it's in my own mind?

This sadness wraps me. I find in myself only a ghost in a shell. How dare I keep allowing myself to feel? To feel so very much, when I know it will bring me great pain.... when I want to be loved... when I want to feel loved. But... who must ask for such a thing? Who should need to ask for love, when it is to be given, not asked for.......

Is this a good day or just another in the string of so many which make me question this life... the validity of my existence. Just one more day to question.

I'm a broken bird in a tight cage. Filled with loneliness, sadness, pain and rage. I will smile for you again... paste on my grin. Pretend I'm not hurt. Act like I'm not dealing with all which is killing me inside and out. So until I see you... I will lay in this bed, close my eyes, pull this soft white blanket over me, I will try my best to hold my tears.... Next I see you.... I will pretend. I will pretend that you loving me as a last resort without much of your heart is grand. I will pretend that I believe you truly love me, that you would be here if you could.... when I know the falsity of it. I will pretend that you don't wish I could take her place. I will pretend that I don't remember our dead baby. I will pretend that you would have stood beside me if that little life came to this world. I will pretend that I don't know all I do of actions. I will pretend to smile. What else does a woman like myself do? What else does a woman like me want from a man that happens to be you? My love will die one day... along with the rest of me. One day....... I will be gone. Then on that day.... you will not need to put on your entertainers face anymore. You won't feel obligated. You will go on without a skip of your heart. Until then... I will pretend for you. I will hold my love and know that what is held for me is small and doubted by you. I will smile.

I will smile.....