Then there was

I have seen this life
From the inside out
Lived in torment
In love
In fear and in doubt
There are shadows here
They stay silent
Surrounding me
They lie beneath my skin
Peep through my window
Sit still beside my bed

My ears ring
Eyes heavy and blurred
I once walked with purpose
I walked tall
Head high
Now...
What others see
As their unfortunate eyes fall upon me
A woman unknown
Limping
No light to be found
I am simply absurd

I stand in this blackened living room
Wood floor cold beneath my bare white feet
I walk silently to the door
Once opened the cold air steals my heat
Sitting on this porch
I dream of more

I want to walk on the beach
Hear my children laugh
Waves crashing around us
I want the wind to tangle my hair
As if it were from a lovely affair
The course sand between my toes
Salt water in the air
I want to watch the tide
Form a closer shore
Wait for it to reach me
Sink in some more

I have become the unknown
Even to myself
These days of mine thrown
To sleep
To darkness
So little else
I can sip this coffee
Knees to my chest
Still on this porch
Yet I can feel that ocean
Hear it's roar
I wish to sink into it's waves
Plunge

Never come up
Only find the blue wetness
Seeping in through every pore
Sleep swiftly

Never to let this confusion
Loneliness
Solitude
Nausea
Pain
So, so much pain
Keep me from floating
Sinking
With the same grace
I once walked with
I once