I will smile...

Is today just one more day? A Mother's Day filled with the beauty of my two children laughing, the sounds of their voices, looking upon them with great love and amazement. A call from the love of my life. The father of the baby who died within my belly. A call in the afternoon. One filled with his own doubt. A call. All of the things that this day holds... all of the magnificence and here I am. I have found sorrow within it. I found sorrow within this day. I found loneliness within filled walls. Silence within sounds through a speaker on my phone. I found myself lost within this world. So today.... Just one more day. Another day. A pit in my stomach. A hole in my heart. The understanding that I will never be important to one of my most important souls..... Another understanding that I am tearing at my seems.... that I am broken.... I am falling apart.

When does one woman see... when do I see? That this reflection staring back at me is not lost, torn, afflicted. When do I find that all I believe.... the love I have thought to exist.... it's in my own mind?

This sadness wraps me. I find in myself only a ghost in a shell. How dare I keep allowing myself to feel? To feel so very much, when I know it will bring me great pain.... when I want to be loved... when I want to feel loved. But... who must ask for such a thing? Who should need to ask for love, when it is to be given, not asked for.......

Is this a good day or just another in the string of so many which make me question this life... the validity of my existence. Just one more day to question.

I'm a broken bird in a tight cage. Filled with loneliness, sadness, pain and rage. I will smile for you again... paste on my grin. Pretend I'm not hurt. Act like I'm not dealing with all which is killing me inside and out. So until I see you... I will lay in this bed, close my eyes, pull this soft white blanket over me, I will try my best to hold my tears.... Next I see you.... I will pretend. I will pretend that you loving me as a last resort without much of your heart is grand. I will pretend that I believe you truly love me, that you would be here if you could.... when I know the falsity of it. I will pretend that you don't wish I could take her place. I will pretend that I don't remember our dead baby. I will pretend that you would have stood beside me if that little life came to this world. I will pretend that I don't know all I do of actions. I will pretend to smile. What else does a woman like myself do? What else does a woman like me want from a man that happens to be you? My love will die one day... along with the rest of me. One day....... I will be gone. Then on that day.... you will not need to put on your entertainers face anymore. You won't feel obligated. You will go on without a skip of your heart. Until then... I will pretend for you. I will hold my love and know that what is held for me is small and doubted by you. I will smile.

I will smile.....